If for instance you have an active assertive response around someone who is passive aggressive or aggressive, they might decide that you’re “too much effort”. Your ‘tell’ can be determined by your response or lack of it. Apparently some people have been scammed by these several times because the criminals figured their first responses made them good ‘marks’. It’s the same when people reply those 419 scams or reply to claim their lottery win for the lottery that they never entered. The risk has paid off but by giving them the money, however much it is, irregardless of how you think that you should be perceived, they may decide that you’re an easy mark for taking advantage. Hopefully you say NO, but you might give it to them, or say “Yes, but I can only manage £50”. It’s like asking you for £100 when you hardly know them. If you’re wondering why someone did something when you feel that at that point they wouldn’t have had the security of knowing how you’d respond, it’s highly likely to be because they were chancing their arm which means that they take the risk, not because they’ve assessed the situation and got a cue from you but more because they’re taking a chance and if they get the desired result, happy days and if they don’t, they’ll go to plan B. That was my ‘tell’ which prevented him from chatting all the BS to me that he had to so many other women in our office. “Why me?” or “Why him/her and not me?”Īn ex colleague actually told me that he didn’t talk to me about career opportunities (that didn’t exist anyway and were a ruse to get ‘dates’) because I wasn’t “agreeable” enough. The question of what was it about you that gave the impression that you’d tolerate something can keep you awake at night. I’ve had so many readers left perplexed by the question of why somebody felt that they could be or do something around them. We also communicate messages about ourselves when our actions and words don’t match (the all-important inconsistencies) and we communicate even more when our actions and words take us away from our own values and essentially who we are. We communicate messages about ourselves not just in what we say and do but also in what’s left unsaid and undone. Unless you’re dealing with a skilled con artist, most people including the personality disordered have “tells” that if you’ll heed the feedback, you’ll be able to get a more realistic picture of who and what you’re dealing with. I’ve said this many times and I’ll say it again people unfold. Like Chris Rock said, when we first start dating someone, it’s not the real us that we’re sending out but our “representatives”. Let’s be real – some people just talk out of their bottoms. We overestimate our capacity for a relationship, we overestimate our interest and yes, sometimes we overestimate our readiness to date and how over our ex we are and yes, sometimes we exaggerate. We can find ourselves saying, doing and agreeing to things because we think “I can handle it!” or “I want to give the impression that I’m _” or we don’t want to give off any vibes that may scare them off or bugger up the ‘relationship deal’. When we have low self-esteem and/or we are not being ourselves and even going so far as to misrepresent ourselves, we actually have ‘ tells’, unconscious actions that are perceived to ‘betray’ an attempted deception or what we’re trying to put across about ourselves. Tags: Actions match words, boundaries - personal electric fence, Fast Forwarding, Future Fakers, Future Faking, getting back together, narcissists, passive aggression, The Reset Button
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